Category: Political Commentary

This was our first audio story in Feb 2017. Here is the draft script presented for the first time.

Alt-Earth

Fake news!

Dishonest media!

The Press has been demonized continuously in the last few weeks by the current Administration. The 45th President of the United States has called them an Enemy of the American People, and the Opposition Party.

The Press seem to be on a veritable warpath against the Administration, going so far as to label their statements as outright lies.

On January 22, 2017, Kellyanne Conway, a Counselor to President Trump, first mentioned the phrase “Alternative Facts,” in an interview on Meet the Press. This was meant to explain that the point of view and observation of reality may vary within the Administration, and was being provided as they interpreted events, in contrast to the way that others perhaps saw them. This began a cycle of mockery and endless memes, as well as fairly vicious and vociferous reportage of every statement that seems odious, dubious, or not easily proven by historical evidence and data. On the surface, this reaction from the Mainstream Liberal Media seems fair.

But perhaps, this rather knee-jerk reaction is only skimming the surface in order to easily score points, and ignoring the potential truth that lies beneath.

After conducting an in-depth analysis of these so-called Alternative Facts, I’d like to propose a solution that may explain some of these apparent discrepancies. Some may find this to be ludicrous. Some may say I’m being facetious. Some may say I’m just crazy. To those people, I say, “yeah, but still…” However, if you take off your skeptical, non-prescription, hashtag-woke hipster glasses for just a second, put on a tin-foil hat and join me, you may just see the inherent, and, potentially, indisputable logic of what I’m about to propose.

First, some background.

The Many-Worlds Interpretation of Quantum Mechanics, according to an entry published by Lev Vaidman in the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, “holds that there are many worlds which exist in parallel at the same space and time as our own.” “The fundamental idea of the Many-Worlds Interpretation…is that there are myriads of worlds in the Universe in addition to the world we are aware of.”

In October of 1995, Rainer Plaga proposed an experimental test of the Many-Worlds Interpretation, describing an “interworld” exchange of information energy. The further extrapolation of Plaga’s work could allow for inter-world communication or energy exchange. Or more.

Further extrapolation of this idea can be broken down more simply as this: we do not live in a universe; we exist in a multiverse. There are an infinite number of worlds branched off from an infinite number of decisions that occupy the same space we do now. These worlds exist at a slightly different vibrational frequency than we do, and so we are free to live our lives without being aware of our other-selves operating on other worlds.

You may see where I’m going with this.

It’s becoming more and more apparent that the possibility, some would say extreme likelihood, exists that key members in and around the Trump administration are, in fact, refugees from an alternate world, and may have been here for quite some time. This explains several slips that they have made, and really casts the term “alternative facts” in a completely different light.

Based on their statements, as well as a basic, partially remembered and understood knowledge of our own past, I will now try to reconstruct some probable moments in history of their Alt-Earth.

It seems as though much of their history is likely very similar to ours, with a few minor, but key, differences.

The Administration’s seemingly close ties to Russia

It seems likely that one key change occurred in and around 1944. On Alt-Earth, President Franklin D. Roosevelt, with his health failing, nonetheless remained steadfast in his support of friend and Vice-President Henry Wallace, securing the party nomination and winning a fourth term in office. Upon Roosevelt’s death, it was Wallace, rather than Harry Truman, who succeeded him as President of the United States. While he was unsuccessful in wresting control of the nuclear weapons program from the hands of the military, he was ultimately successful in ending the war with Japan without the atomic destruction of Nagasaki and Hiroshima. This would also go to explain statements made by President Trump that seem to paint nuclear war in terms of a theoretical bogey-man, rather than an experienced terror. The lack of historical and institutional memory of these devastating events may allow for nuclear holocaust to be used as mere saber rattling, as its actual deployment remains unthinkable as an event that could, or did, actually occur.

A strong believer in honoring our agreements, and of vast global partnership being key to worldwide success, President Wallace and the United States continued to be an ally of the Soviet Union. He followed through on promises to help the Soviet Union rebuild after the conclusion of the second World War, leading to continued close ties to the country over the following decades.

The Biggest inauguration ever. Period.

At his first White House press conference, Press Secretary and Communications Director, Sean Spicer, said that “this was the first time in our nation’s history that floor coverings have been used to protect the grass on the Mall.” He went on to imply that these coverings created an optical illusion, visually reducing the ability to see the vast numbers of people that were on-site.

It seems obvious that on Alt-Earth, the National Parks Service operates as a wing of the military, and, as such, has developed ground coverings with stealth capabilities. These are often used on their military bases, on both foreign and domestic soil, to help conceal the true number of troops and vehicles in the area that are ready for deployment. It is particularly successful in obfuscation of troops from aerial drone and satellite camera, as well as lenses owned by members of the Associated Press.

Terrorist attacks that seemingly never happened

(“#rememberBowlingGreen” – Alt-Twitter, probably.)

On January 29, 2017, Ms. Conway mentioned The Bowling Green Massacre in interviews with both Cosmopolitan and TMZ. On February 2, 2017, she again mentioned it on the cable news program Hardball with Chris Matthew. No records of a Bowling Green Massacre can be found on this Earth. (Although, if I had to just wildly speculate, I’m sure we did something terrible to Native Americans there at some point. But that would have been more “Manifest Destiny” than “Jihad”.)

During the same time period, Mr. Spicer stated that Muslims perpetrated a successful terrorist attack in Atlanta, Georgia. No record of such an attack exists on this Earth.

On February 18, 2017, at an event held in a “massive…massive hangar” (“For the big planes.”) in  Melbourne, Florida, President Trump seemed to allude to an attack that took place in Sweden the previous day. “You look at what’s happening. We’ve got to keep our country safe. You look at what’s happening in Germany, you look at what’s happening last night in Sweden. Sweden, who would believe this? Sweden.” He then listed several other locations in Europe that have experienced terrorist attacks within the last few years, tying Sweden to that type of occurrence. An exhaustive search, including just asking the @sweden Twitter account, resulted in nothing to corroborate this statement. On this Earth.

Responses from the people making these statements have varied: claims that they “misspoke;” “didn’t say that;” “shut up;” “yeah, but still…”; or just stony, angry silent stares.

I would propose that “misspoke” is probably closest to the truth. “Unintentionally mentioned a historical fact from a different Earth” is probably more accurate.

The mention of something happening in Sweden so recently seems to also indicate that they are still in contact with operatives on Alt-Earth, and keeping up with current events.

It seems clear that each of these attacks actually occurred on Alt-Earth. This could, in fact, be the smoking gun that validates this entire theory. Could it be that certain individuals in and around the Trump administration have travelled to our Earth in order to prevent such attacks from occurring here? Is it possible that they somehow saw us heading down a similar path that led to catastrophic events and “carnage” on their own world? Or is it possible that they are attempting to create some kind of cataclysmic event here, in order to bring over additional (non-Muslim) refugees from Alt-America?

Walking between the raindrops

When speaking about his Inauguration, Mr. Trump has stated that he had been “hit by a couple of [rain] drops” as he stepped up to deliver his address, but the skies then cleared, as though by the hand of God. “And the truth is, it stopped immediately, and then became sunny…And I walked off, and it poured after I left. It poured.”

Many viewers (a record number), as well as on-hand spectators, would attest that it seemed to begin to rain at the same time the President began the address. It rained for the duration of his speech, and continued after he had concluded.

The clear conclusion to be reached here is that on Alt-Earth, climate, precipitation and weather are measured and perceived differently. It would also be fair to speculate that even the rain on Alt-Earth is a conspiracy perpetrated by the Chinese government, and is not to be trusted.

Secret Muslim/Birtherism

Then-Citizen Donald Trump made several claims over the last eight years that President Obama was not a US citizen, had forged his birth certificate, and was ineligible to serve as President of the United States.

The obvious conclusion is that, on Alt-Earth, Barack Obama, Sr. married Ann Dunham in Kenya after she had renounced her US citizenship. They raised their son as a militant Muslim Jihadist. Alt-Earth Barack Obama grew up to found the Islamic State, leading several attacks around the world.

Citizen Trump, alarmed that someone that had caused so much “carnage” on Alt-Earth had been elected President of the United States on our Earth, began waging an Info War against him, fearing that he may be similar to his Alt-counterpart.

Probable Alt-Agents

While it is unclear whether “our” versions of these individuals have simply switched places with their Alt-versions, or if something more sinister has occurred, it seems likely that there are several Alt-Agents operating on our world.

Kellyanne Conway – Is it possible that the mention of “alternative facts” was actually a sly nod to her co-agents? Is it possible that dressing as a Local Musical Theater Revolutionary War Officer is the height of fashion on Alt-Earth?

Sean Spicer – Come on. If there is anyone in the world that looks as though he has lived through an extreme process to cross the dimensional barrier, is paranoid about being discovered, and not dealing with the stress well, it’s Mr. Spicer. Look at his Wikipedia picture from just a couple of years ago, and look at him now at the White House. Tell me – Is that the same man? Or has he been replaced?

Alex Jones – Noted Radio provocateur and conspiracy theorist. He seems to have been extremely influential to Mr. Trump, both before and after the election. Many people have speculated for years that Alex Jones is a nefarious agent of a shadowy government agency, and is in fact, actually presumed dead comedian Bill Hicks. These people hold the belief that Bill Hicks was also a previous identity of a deep cover agent. Hicks then “died” when that cover was no longer useful to the agency. I would propose that Mr. Jones is, in fact, Alt-Bill Hicks, and was an early arrival from Alt-Earth, seeding the airwaves with “conspiracy theories” that mirrored actual Alt-Earth events.

President Donald J. Trump – While he may or may not be from Alt-Earth, he is certainly deeply aware of what has occurred there and an Alt-Earth sympathizer working to further their agenda. However, even the selection of his Twitter handle, @realdonaldtrump, seems to indicate that he is trying a little too hard to prove his authenticity.

There is certainly a lot of information still to be gathered, and discussion to be had on this topic. There does seem to be quite a bit of merit to this Alt-Earth theory, though – I’ve heard lots of people saying it. Would it involve science far more advanced than we’ve seen on this Earth to breach the barrier between worlds? Well, sure. But that doesn’t mean it’s not possible. Nay, probable.

I’m sure some of you are banging your head against the wall and screaming, “you’re an idiot!”

To you I say, “that’s hurtful.”

Most of you, though, are probably calmly saying, “but, while the Many-Worlds Interpretation is fascinating, and this idea obviously has merit, do you not think we should also consider lex parsimoniae?” To which I would reply, “Latin is a dead language,” and then do a quick search of that term you just used.

The Law of Parsimony, or Occam’s Razor, states, “Among competing hypotheses, the one with the fewest assumptions should be selected.” In lay terms, “the simplest answer is usually correct.” That is a fair point. To apply this principle to the instances which were discussed above, we would have a much simpler conclusion to reach: these people are unrepentant, unscrupulous, virulent liars. Just absolutely fucking terrible liars that do not respect the American populace in the least, and give absolutely no fucks about what they say to us, because they think we’re too ignorant and stupid to understand or care.

But that’s just fucking heartbreaking, isn’t it? Wouldn’t you feel better thinking that maybe they come from a world where walking up and forcibly grabbing someone’s genitalia without their consent is viewed as a sign of compassion and respect? Where Russia is our gruff, but friendly, older brother? Wouldn’t that instill more hope in your heart?

You’re probably right, though.

What a bunch of dickbags.