North Carolina Republicans Can’t Stop Hating On The LGBT Community, and They Have a Plan

As it turns out, Republicans in North Carolina just can’t stop trying to fuck themselves. (And by extension, the state, their constituents, the rest of us, etc.). Which seems odd, because that also seems like something they’d probably be against. After the public outcry, as well as the business and financial impact over their last big hit, HB2 (The Bathroom Bill), they’re back at it again. But this time, I think they have a plan.

On April 11, 2017, North Carolina Representatives Larry Pittman, Michael Speciale and Carl Ford were the primary sponsors of HOUSE BILL DRH10214-MM-60, “AN ACT TO AFFIRM THAT SECTION 6 OF ARTICLE XIV OF THE NORTH CAROLINA CONSTITUTION IS THE LAW OF THE STATE.” Or, the Uphold Historical Marriage Act.

Let’s peruse the Bill:

“Whereas, the People of the State of North Carolina approved the Marriage Amendment of 2012, which is now included as Section 6 of Article XIV of the North Carolina Constitution, with a 61% affirmative vote…”

We’re super not down with the Gays.

“…the United States Supreme Court overstepped its constitutional bounds when it struck down Section 6 of Article XIV of the North Carolina Constitution in its Obergefell v. Hodges decision of 2015.”

The Supreme Court was not meant to rule on decisions of lower courts, we guess. Or, at least, not if we don’t like their decision.  

“Whereas, the ruling of the United States Supreme Court not only exceeds the  authority of the Court relative to the State of North Carolina and a vote of the People of the  State on an issue pertaining solely to the State of North Carolina and the People of North Carolina but also exceeds the authority of the Court relative to the decree of Almighty God that ‘a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh’ (Genesis 2:24, ESV) and abrogates the clear meaning and understanding of marriage in all societies throughout prior history;”

You know who else didn’t get down with the Gays? Almighty God, that’s who, motherfucker!

“SECTION 1.  G.S. 51-1.2 reads as rewritten:

“§ 51-1.2.  Marriages between persons of the same gender not valid.

(a) The General Assembly of the State of North Carolina declares that the Obergefell v. Hodges decision of the United States Supreme Court of 2015 is null and void in the State of North Carolina, and that the State of North Carolina shall henceforth uphold and enforce Section 6 of Article XIV of the North Carolina Constitution, the opinion and objection of the United States Supreme Court notwithstanding.”

Whatever – we do what we want.

“(b) Marriages, whether created by common law, contracted, or performed outside of North Carolina, between individuals of the same gender are not valid in North Carolina.”

Full faith and credit is for pussies.

 

Who are the upright citizen’s that sponsored this bill, you ask?

Larry Pittman is a Pastor. His campaign website states that he is Pro-Family Values and, hand to God, Anti-Monkey Business.

pictured: Rep Dick Bag

From his campaign website:

“As a minister of the Gospel, I am committed to protecting the freedom of religious expression. Everyone must be free to express their beliefs, or no one is free. Christianity is not a religion; it is a relationship with the risen and living Lord Jesus. It must be entered into voluntarily to be genuine. Therefore, everyone must be free to choose either to accept Christ or to reject him. They must be free to be a Christian or to choose some other belief or no belief at all. So I am in favor of people who choose not to be Christians having the freedom to express their beliefs; but at the same time, Christians also have the same right to express our beliefs. I will oppose any attempt to take that freedom away from anyone, Christian or not.”

This seems tolerant and level-headed. Until you get to the part where he insinuates that you don’t have to serve pizza to the LGBT community.

On Family Values:

“The most basic unit of human society is the family. Family is based on marriage between one man and one woman, as God ordained it to be. Marriage is nothing other than that. That is why I support the Marriage Amendment. Parents should be recognized as the first authority, with the first responsibility over their children’s education and discipline. To regain the former greatness of our society, we must do all we can to encourage and strengthen the institution of the traditional family, BECAUSE THE PEOPLE MATTER.”

So, I guess there are no surprises on his stance here. Also, I think he forgot to add “straight” before “people” in that last sentence.

Carl Ford

pictured: Rep Dick Bag

Before running for office, our friend Carl worked as an Assistant Manager at Skateland USA. He also spent time as Mr. Manager at Fryes Roller Rink in Concord, NC! (Presumably this was before the roller-skating industry got so gay). In 1982, he found his calling in Radio at WRKB in Kannapolis (where he went from part time to full time in just two weeks, you guys!). Just two short years later he became a manager at WRNA, and eventually bought both radio stations.

Carl is also a member of the Rowan Tea Party Patriots, and still LOVES roller skating in his spare time! (Ok, the last part of that sentence is just speculation on my part.)

Mr. Ford was endorsed by the American Family Association. You may remember the AFA for their calls to boycott Target, due to their icky bathroom policies. They also spend their time being very concerned about the LGBT community’s “cultural appropriation” of God’s Rainbow.

So, we’re on solid ideological ground here. Also, totally balanced.

Michael Speciale

Rep Dick Bag (There sure are a lot of them. Weird.)

Michael Speciale is a special little riddle wrapped in an enigma. What are the issues that he’s passionate about? He has some feelings about the economy (Remove regulations! Lower corporate tax rate! Reduce spending!), but, otherwise, his website doesn’t list any. No worries, though –  just give him a call and ask! Putting stuff in writing is for squares!  “If you would like to know where I stand on other issues, please feel free to call or email me.”

Michael is also almost definitely the author of this bill, based solely on his love of the word “abrogation.” Here is a line from his All About Me/What Makes Me So Speciale page:

“I am loyal to the Constitution, and any abrogation of this document is an affront on our liberties. I will continue to oppose any legislation that I believe contradicts the State and US Constitutions.”

Nobody uses that word. But he seems to love it.

Michael also has some feelings about the Bathroom Bill, which you’re all obviously too stupid to understand:

“Fact 9: H2 ensures that women and children will not be discriminated against by putting them in danger by allowing men into their private spaces.

Fact 10: There is nothing in this bill that discriminates against anyone.”

So there!

Michael Speciale is where we take a turn for the dangerous, though. As a lover of the Constitution, there’s something that he is undoubtedly aware of: a Supreme Court decision can be overturned by a Constitutional Convention called for by two-thirds of the State Legislatures within the country. That’s 34 states. Let’s take a peek at state Governors for a sec:

Democrats – 16

Republicans – 33

Independents – 1

Holy shit.

Ok…what about control of State Legislatures?

Democrats – 12

Republicans – 32

Split – 6

Holy shit.

There are also currently 25 states with a Republican controlled Legislature and Governorship.

This is mildly terrifying. If enough State Legislatures begin introducing bills like this, they could potentially call for a Constitutional Convention to overturn Marriage Equality by Amending the US Constitution to recognize only marriages between a man and a woman. North Carolina appears to have the numbers to overturn the veto of the Democratic Governor. Other states do, as well.

If the GOP can pick up a couple of additional governorships in the 2018 elections, they would also have enough to not only call for a Constitutional Convention, but to also ratify an Amendment to the US Constitution. They have 33. 34 are needed to ratify at a Convention.

At this point, the only question that I have is whether they’re first strike will be against Marriage Equality or Roe v Wade. Since removing rights from people seems to be significantly more important than actually doing anything productive (Hey, Trump Care!), this seems to be the way we’re headed.

So, what can we do?

We need to take action. Get out and Vote in every election. Get Out the Vote in every election. Volunteer. Make phone calls. Consult your handy Indivisible Guide daily. Be vocal about your support.

If we’re complacent for a second or get caught up with in-group squabbles, we are fucking lost.

Also, in the meantime, please feel free to contact these fine gentlemen from North Carolina directly. Michael requested it personally, and I’m sure the other two won’t mind. Their contact information is included below. There are also links to a couple of items that I in no way endorse sending to them embedded in this sentence.

Keep resisting. Don’t sleep on this. This is how it starts.

 

Contact:

Representative Carl Ford

N.C. House of Representatives

300 N. Salisbury Street, Room 608

Raleigh, NC 27603-5925

919-733-5881

[email protected]

 

Representative Larry G. Pittman

N.C. House of Representatives

16 W. Jones Street, Room 1010

Raleigh, NC 27601-1096

919-715-2009

704-782-3528

[email protected]

 

Representative Michael Speciale

N.C. House of Representatives

16 W. Jones Street, Room 1008

Raleigh, NC 27601-1096

919-733-5853

252-635-5326

[email protected]

Get Fisted! Iron Fist Review

One man’s opinion of Netflix’ Marvel’s Iron Fist or I watched it so you don’t have to.

By B

 

(Probable spoilers ahead, but you won’t care, because this show sucks.)

I was pretty excited when the Iron Fist show was announced. Not because I was a huge fan of the character – I only knew the surface info for Danny Rand. I knew the broad strokes. The character was created in the seventies to capitalize on the Kung-Fu craze sweeping the nation. He was a goofy rich white dude. He was kind of impulsive and fun. That was about it.

Netflix did a fantastic job of producing a show about Luke Cage, another character created to capitalize on the explosion of a seventies craze – Blaxploitation. Cage embraced its subject matter and creative lineage, but took it on in a serious manner. It wasn’t Dolemite. It wasn’t Black Dynamite. This was a Netflix show being run by a Black creator which embraced and addressed issues facing the Black community in the US today. It utilized a Blaxploitation-era comic book character in a thoughtful way and was pretty darned entertaining to boot. (And, damn – the soundtrack and musical performances featured on the show – wow!)

We were so excited about Luke Cage that we made this cake for our viewing party.

Prior to that, Jessica Jones dealt thoughtfully with someone grappling with the aftermath of sexual assault and addiction (even if the season maybe could have been trimmed by an episode or two). Daredevil had two seasons that were very creatively successful. Daredevil Season Two went particularly hard with action and violence, to great entertainment value. Daredevil brought in characters like the Punisher and Elektra, and had a monster battle against The Hand at the end of the season. Daredevil fought ninjas! A million, billion ninjas! Holy Hell!

Iron Fist achieves none of the success of its predecessors.

Danny Rand returns to New York after the plane his family was in disappeared 12 years earlier. He’s been declared legally dead and life has moved on without him. The show seems to mistake being absent from New York with being absent from life. As we learn, Danny was rescued from the plane crash by monks, and raised in a mystical city that is occasionally accessible in the Himalayas. He was trained to be a Kung-Fu master. He is a highly trained and skilled warrior. He had friends and relationships (but no sexy-time, due to a vow of celibacy). Yet, when he returns to New York, he acts like he’s a 12-year-old. He behaves like a child for basically the entire show. Why are people mean to me? Why don’t they wanna be my friend? Maybe it’s because you’re acting like an unlikeable child. It’s as though he disappeared through a portal when he was 12, and reappeared in New York in an adult body, with magical powers and training, but had no life experience in between.

Danny also suffers from PTSD. We know this, because we get six flashbacks in the first two episodes in which he experiences and relives the plane crash and the loss of his parents. The flashbacks basically show the same scene over and over, without giving us any new information. It seems a little odd that someone that has a decade of training to process his emotions to center himself, so much so that he can harness his energy into an unbeatable fist of iron, has no emotional control. Danny somehow achieved the incredibly high degree of skill that allowed him to claim the mantle of The Iron Fist while being an emotional wreck that has flashbacks reliving his past trauma and causing him to lash out at those around him. Weird.

The main villain, we’re lead to believe, is The Hand. The Iron Fist is meant to destroy The Hand – it’s his purpose. (But, also, to never leave the gate to the mystical city of K’un Lun. This part of his duty seems to conflict with his other purpose, unless The Hand just happens to all show up at the gate. To the writer’s credit, Danny does comment on this in one of the later episodes.) The Hand, as we have learned in this show and in Daredevil, is an ancient, mystical criminal organization. Also, they sell fancy heroin. In Daredevil, we saw hints of broader, more nefarious aims. In Iron Fist, mostly they sell fancy heroin. And interact with fancy New York business types. In Daredevil, as I mentioned earlier, The Hand protects their interest with the ninjas in their service. A million, billion ninjas. In Iron Fist, a show about a master of the martial arts, there are NO FREAKING NINJAS. The Hand protects itself with some random dudes with guns and kids in track suits. To be fair, at one point, Danny does fight two Line Cooks and an Arachnologist. But no ninjas. Did all the ninjas leave New York after the second season of Daredevil? Where are the goddamn ninjas? Not that it would matter, because…

The Hand as seen in Daredevil

The Hand as seen in Iron Fist. Basically.

The fight choreography is kind of terrible. Remember the amazing Hallway Fight in Daredevil? There’s one in this show, too. Like, there is literally a fight that occurs in a hallway. Danny and his partner are stuck in the middle of the hallway, with foes approaching from both sides. They quickly dispatch of the ten guys that attack them and walk away. It is over in a couple of seconds, and it the exact opposite of exciting. Again, for a show whose main character is a martial arts expert, the expectations for the fights in this show were pretty high. Yet, the fight choreography in every other Marvel Netflix show is better and more distinctive. Daredevil effectively mixed martial arts with boxing and back-alley brawling. Luke Cage fights effortlessly, and looks a little annoyed that while doing it – “Come on, guys – do we have to do this? I’m super strong and have unbreakable skin – we’re just going to wreck a bunch of stuff and destroy my shirt again.” Jessica Jones is the least polished fighter, and I don’t mean that as a slight. The character’s lack of formal fight training is incorporated into her style – she’s a sloppy brawler with super strength, not a trained technical combatant. Danny Rand is supposed to be, basically, the most skilled martial artist in the world. But the fights aren’t shot well, the choreography is lazy, and the wire work looks bad. Is it possible that lead actor Finn Jones just couldn’t pick it up? Is it possible that nobody knew how to shoot the action? Is it a combination of the two? It’s unclear. The best fight scene in the entire series pits Danny against a Drunken Master. The Drunken Master is interesting. His fighting style is visually compelling and different than anything else in the show. After giving Danny a thorough ass-whupping, he is, of course, quickly defeated because it’s time to move on to something boring again.

Maybe it doesn’t matter that the fight choreography wasn’t focused on so much. Why? Because this show about the most highly-skilled mystical martial artist in the world is really about…Big Business! How will The Iron Fist defeat the real enemy – the sharks in the board room? Who. Fucking. Cares. You see, Danny wants to get back his father’s company. He keep saying that he doesn’t want that, but he works really hard to do it. “That’s my father’s name up there! My name!” Then he’s on the Board! (I think there was some kind of legal proceeding before this to get him to be officially declared Alive again, and get back all of his money, but, I’ll be honest – I fell asleep repeatedly during those episodes.) Anyway, he’s back in the board room! But he doesn’t really want it. And you can tell, because he wears sneakers with his business suit. Can you believe it? What a slack-ass rebel! He does not take the business world seriously! It really feels like most of this show is focused on the company, which is tied in to fighting people that aren’t ninjas as the series progresses, but damn, do we ever spend a ton of time in the office. If you skipped through all of the office scenes, I bet you can cut your viewing time of the entire series by at least 50%. This much time spent in the office would be fine, if the scenes were at all interesting and well written. But they’re not. The dialogue is bad. The scenes are deadly boring. So boring that you begin to long for a badly performed fight scene. Or a ninja. Or a line cook. Or someone that studies spiders.

Big Business, seen here with his partner, Golden Calf

I had reservations about the show as soon as I heard that Scott Buck was going to be the show runner. You may remember him as being the show runner on Dexter from 2009 through the series finale. The years when Dexter went from being on a downward slide in quality to just being out and out bad (Lithgow’s performance aside). Iron Fist shows the same lack of focus on character motivation, clarity of story direction, and lack of depth that Dexter suffered from in its latter seasons.

Is the show fixable? Maybe. With a new showrunner, a more focused story and attention to character detail, and a ton of extra fight training, it’s possible that another season of Iron Fist could be highly entertaining. Maybe they could, oh, I don’t know, add some ninjas. As it stands now, it’s hard to see there being another season with the show set up as it currently stands. In the comics, Danny Rand and Luke Cage are pals. While their personalities are opposite, they are fast friends and really complement each other as a team. In spite of the inclusion of Rosario Dawson in this season (one of the few bright spots overall) as connective tissue to bring the two characters together, it’s difficult to see why Luke Cage would have any desire to spend time with this version of Danny Rand. I know I sure don’t.